Religion and Computers 2005

Christianity is Linux
Countless versions exist, with most of them sharing common ideals. Founded on the principle that any person can modify the code in any way they see fit and present it as a competing product. This has resulted in countless distributions vying for space on hard disks. In the West, there has been a drive to reduce the effort needed to install Linux in order to increase its user base. Derived from Unix. Not as popular in English-speaking countries as the developers would like, but spreading fast in the developing world. The decision by American and Canadian Linux distributors to allow homosexuals to contribute to the source code has caused uproar among traditionalists. They insist that while Linus Torvald loves homosexuals, there's no way in hell he'd want them to go anywhere near the source code.

Judaism is Unix
Disciples of Unix can often be seen with large beards. Hard to understand and sometimes eccentric, the followers of this operating system claim that Linux and OS X are offshoots of Unix. Hard to master, which is why Unix gurus are few and far between in the modern world. Users of Unix have dwindled in number since Linux was introduced. Devotees of Unix believe that if Unix is preinstalled on a computer, then that computer is a Unix machine from then on, even if the user removes Unix and installs another operating system. When unable to refute a valid criticism of their operating system, Unix devotees often resort to accusing other people of being anti-Unitic.

Islam is OS X
Seems fundamentally different from Unix and Linux but shares a code base; this is something users of OS X will never confess. They maintain that the founder of Apple was born before Unix was established, therefore OS X came before Unix. Followers have been known to employ militant tactics when dealing with users of other operating systems. Moderates who use Windows at work maintain that the majority of OS X users are law abiding citizens, who would never wire a Mac to blow and sneak it into a server farm full of Windows, Linux or Unix boxes. Believers are notoriously bad at accepting criticism of OS X; authors of books criticising OS X have received death threats, and in extreme cases have had death orders placed on them by Grand Ayatollah Steve Jobs.

Atheism is Windows Server 2003
Cold and unfeeling. Simple to use but some argue power has been removed from the hands of the user. Accused of monopolistic tendencies but actually a fairly good OS. Will give the occasional BSOD, but that can be attributed to bad software. In the right hands, Windows Server 2003 is rock solid.

Buddhism is DOS
For those that wish to lead the simple life. Stripped of anything resembling an amenity, only the bare essentials required to run a machine are available. Users of DOS strive to lower their memory utilisation, enough to allow them to escape from the cycle of continual rebooting and enter a higher state of consciousness known as WIMP, where all manner of windows, icons, mice and pointers await them.

Agnosticism is Lindows
Was once the choice for people unsure which path leads to computing bliss, but now makes no secret of its allegiances. Most people once avoided Lindows at all costs, as it was shown to be merely Linux with a Faith Compatibility Layer running on top. Has now become trendy. Advocates of Lindows tend to avoid involving themselves in arguments about operating systems. Followers of Lindows insist this is because using Lindows has given them tranquillity and contentment. Critics argue it's because they know next to nothing about operating systems and have chosen Lindows because they can't be bothered to compile source code, but don't like being left out when the family are playing a Solitaire rip-off during the holidays.

Kabbalah is Windows Longhorn
Full of holes, Windows Longhorn has often been referred to as "a crock of shit whose promises will never come true" and a "blatant attempt to rip off the look and feel of other operating systems". When pre-release versions of the scripture are leaked, followers of Longhorn spend hours or even days downloading them.

Scientology is Windows 95
Only known users are John Travolta and michaeltoe.